Secrets
by KristieJCAL
Summary: carby fuzz
1. A Different Kind of Day

"A Different Kind of Day" BY: Kristie  
  
A/N: I'm not really sure where this fan fic is going; I'm sort of just typing whatever comes into mind. I really don't want to make it with too much angst. I will tell you now; there will be some major carby in this fic. ;) I also only started watching ER last season, so any of the medical stuff that isn't right, I apologize. This is written in Abby's POV, I'm not sure if that's how the series is going to be the whole time.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't any of the ER characters unfourtunatly  
  
  
  
  
  
As the early morning sun began to rise, I knew the alarm clock would go off soon. How much I would give just for 10 more minutes in John Carter's strong arms. The feeling of being secure and not having any worries, it almost scared me how safe I could feel. It took so much effort usually to have this wonderful feeling, but with Carter, it's just different.  
  
I didn't know how long this would last though. This wonderful feeling, for soon, I knew that he would want to leave me. Leave my life, not want to be a part of it. Or rather, not be a part of this child's life.  
  
Some how I knew in the back of my head that he would never do that, but there was always that little lingering feeling inside of me that wondered what he would actually do. John was a loving person, and I knew that he would love this child no matter what, but maybe not love me.  
  
I'm so confused inside now. I'm already 4 weeks along, and no one knows. But I know that soon I'm going to show signs that I'm with child. I don't know how much longer I can handle doing this on my own either.  
  
I hear the loud beeping sounds and Carter's moan. I have to stop thinking so hard, he'll see it, he'll know something's wrong with me. He'll pull it out of me, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  
  
"Abby," I hear his gentle voice say, "what are you thinking about so hard at 5:30 in the morning?"  
  
Damn it, I knew he would see something.  
  
"Nothing, just was trying to get to sleep before the alarm went off."  
  
  
  
  
  
We stop along the way to the hospital to get a cup of coffee. While walking on the streets to the El, he protectively puts his arm around me. It's getting warmer in Chicago as the rainy spring season begins to end, and you begin to see signs of summer everywhere.  
  
All the gardens are so full of color, and yet, this has nothing to do with my happiness. All it takes is John Carter.  
  
As we approach the El, and walk on, I notice the sun is completely out. While we sit down, I notice all the people on the train this morning for some reason. Usually I'm to preoccupied with John Carter, but today, today is different.  
  
There is a couple sitting across from us giggling and fooling around. A businessman who is busily talking on his cell phone and yelling at someone to sell. Then, there's an old man sitting in the corner sleeping, his face looks dirty with soot and his skin wrinkled. I can't help but feel sorry for people like that, I realize now, that I would never know what I would do without love of any sort.  
  
I can tell Carter is studying me because I'm thinking so hard. I knew I shouldn't be, but I can't help it today, I think I feel ashamed to look him in the eye because I'm keeping a secret from him.  
  
"Abby, what's with you today?" he asked in that concerned voice, that wonderful voice that I can't help but melt when I here. It has the power to force me to look him straight in the eyes. I feel so much worse when I do that because he really does care. I can't tell him yet, I'm not ready, so with all my will power I manage to say, "Nothing, I'm just not my self today."  
  
I give him a somewhat reassuring kiss to tell him to drop it for now and then settle in his arms for the rest of the ride to work.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Abby, ETA 5 minutes." I heard Jerry say.  
  
"Okay. I'll be right there." I say. I quickly rush into the bathroom and throw up in one of the stalls. This is only the second time this is happened to me, but I'm afraid that it will begin to occur more and more.  
  
I'm in the stall for a few minutes when I hear Susan come in. "Abby?" I know that she's going to find out eventually. I trust Susan. In a barely audible voice I manage to get out, "Yes?"  
  
Susan comes over to the stall, and I unlock the door. "Abby, what's wrong?" she asks with much concern in her voice.  
  
"I'm pregnant, and well." I say as I drift off.  
  
"Oh my god! Does Carter know?" she asks.  
  
"No! You're the first person that I've told, so I plan to keep it that way, at least for a little while. You understand right?" I ask.  
  
"Of course. I can find someone else to take this."  
  
I cut her off quickly. "No, if I want to keep this a secret for awhile, I don't need gossip going on every time I throw up."  
  
I walk out of the bathroom with Susan and walk into the Trauma. Haleh and Carter had already begun. Carter whispers into my ear, "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes," I say for the first time confidently in awhile, "Like I said, today is a different day."  
  
  
  
As I walked into the dark lounge, I was more then overjoyed that my shift was over. I had not had this difficult of a shift since my pregnancy had begun. Every day though, it had started to get tougher, not just with work but emotionally too.  
  
Guilt was beginning to take over my head. I felt guilty that I had gotten pregnant. I felt that it was completely my fault and Carter had nothing to do with it, when in fact he had played a huge part in it. I was guilty that I hadn't told him yet, that I was keeping this all to myself and I had told Susan before I had told him.  
  
I was still debating about how or when I would tell him. How would he react and would he be angry? The farther I got into my pregnancy, the guiltier I had begun feel.  
  
As I put on jacket and packed up my stuff to go home, I debated whether I should wait for him, or go home by myself so I could think. I decided to wait and stay, I knew that he would suspect something if I didn't wait for him. I always waited.  
  
The door began to creak open and I was almost positive it was him but Luka's faced appeared. He looked tired out and confused. Not from work but from his life. I knew that he was doing things that he would have never done if we were still together, but I could worry about him too. That was the last thing I needed.  
  
"You look hell." I commented. I couldn't help it, I figured that maybe he would say something to me, tell me why, but all he said was, "I know." He took the cup of coffee he had poured for himself and walked out of lounge.  
  
Something told me that he was preoccupied with something else. I knew that he would tell me if it was serious, even if it wasn't. A gut feeling told me that he was hiding from everyone, not just me. I really do care about, just not romantically. I do care if hurt, I do care if he needs help, but I care like a sister, not a lover.  
  
John walked in and interrupted my thoughts, "So, you waited up for me?" he asked with a smile.  
  
"Always do." I replied. I looked and knew I couldn't lie to him anymore. I had to tell him. Just, not at the hospital. "Want to get a cup of coffee?"  
  
  
  
I hope you liked the first chapter. Please R/R if you can, it would mean a lot to me! ~Kristie 


	2. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with Sardine...

"Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with Sardines" By: Kristie  
  
A/N: like I said in the previous chapter, I'm kind of just letting my write. I might add a song to a chapter if I'm up to it. I really hope that you like this Chapter. Again, I'm not quote sure about all of the medical lingo, but I'm going to try to sound like I do. ;) [Written in Abby's POV again]  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing (  
  
  
  
As I walked into my apartment, I felt that there had been an entire load taken off my back. I told him finally, and he wasn't upset, he didn't leave. I knew he wouldn't, but I'm an emotional pregnant woman, what am I suppose to think. He had to go check on Gamma; she had called while we were having coffee at Doc Magoo's about something at the Carter Mansion.  
  
On the way home I had bought a carton of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and sardines. I never liked sardines, ever, but I had the worst craving for them with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream as disgusting as it sounds. What was this baby doing to me?  
  
I settled into the couch with the carton of ice cream mixed in with the sardines and began to watch West Wing. I was really getting into it when the phone rang.  
  
"Hello?" I say a bit annoyed.  
  
"Abby!" I hear Susan yell; I can tell she's at Lava Lounge a bit wasted at the moment.  
  
"Susan, what's up?" I ask, I know that either one, she wants me to come party with her and Deb, or two, they need a cab to come pick them up and can't figure out how to get one because they are so incredibly drunk.  
  
"Come party with us." She slurs.  
  
Bingo. I knew it. "I'm not exactly in the condition to party." I say.  
  
"So your pregnant, you don't have to drink, just come party with us." I her giggle wildly in the background, "Come on, Kevin says you should."  
  
"Susan!"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Deb doesn't know I'm pregnant!" I yell wildly. I thank god that it's only Deb with her and not a huge group of people.  
  
"Oh, yeah, right, ummm, the president is calling me on the other line. I have to go. Bye Abby!" I hear her giggle madly again then hang up the phone.  
  
  
  
I wake up the next morning to find myself asleep in my bed and the sun shining brightly in my eyes. At first it doesn't faze me a bit, but then realize that I feel asleep on the couch. I also realize I ate ¾ of a container of ice cream with sardines. Surprisingly the thought of this makes me sick now and I run in the bathroom to throw up once again.  
  
Once I finish, I go to wash my face and brush my teeth and realize that John is leaning on the frame of the doorway. "Morning sickness got you?" he asks.  
  
"You could say that." I reply embarrassed that I ate almost an entire container of ice cream with sardines. "When did you come home?" I ask as I begin to brush my teeth.  
  
He walks further into the bathroom, "Late. You feel asleep on the couch, so I put you in bed. I also threw out a melted carton of ice cream." Oddly enough at the mention of ice cream, I all over again have this craving for it with sardines again. I'm not quite sure I'm going to get used to being pregnant for a while.  
  
"Oh yeah, I had a craving I guess." He smiles and I know he saw the sardines in it.  
  
"I never knew you liked sardines." He says trying to hold back from laughing. I become a bit defensive.  
  
"I can't help it!" I finish brushing my teeth and washing my face. He comes over wraps his arms around me. We always fit so perfectly together; it's meant to be.  
  
"I know." He says kissing me. "Your off today?"  
  
"Yeah, but you have to be to work in an hour, you better get a move on it." With that, he hops in the shower and I go back to sleep.  
  
  
  
Around lunchtime, I find myself at a little deli in my neighborhood. I order a salad and a sandwich with a bottle of water. I see a variety of magazines while checking out and pick up one that says 1,000 Baby Names.  
  
I pay for my lunch and sit down at one of the tables and begin to flick through it. I go through the A's, then the B's; I skip over the C's, go through the D's and almost stop for the day when I get to the E's. I eventually read through it and find the name that I love. Emily. I don't worry about finding a boys name, because I know it's going to be Jonathan Truman Carter IV if it's a boy.  
  
Emily I feel in love with and didn't even attempt to look any farther in the magazine. I knew that if I had a little girl, she would be named Emily Carter.  
  
  
  
I must have fallen asleep when I got back to the apartment, because the next thing I knew was I heard John yell, "Damn it." I found myself on the couch and sat up to see him running his finger under water.  
  
I get up and walk into the kitchen. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I just burned myself while trying to make soup."  
  
I try my hardest not to laugh but can't help it. "What?" he asks.  
  
"You burnt yourself making soup?" this makes me laugh a little harder. When I stop I see him smiling too.  
  
"Well, your going to have to love me now." He says handing me a bag.  
  
I open it up and find four cartons of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and four containers of sardines in it. I really do have the best boyfriend in the world.  
  
  
  
I hope you liked this chapter; it was a little lighter then the other one. Please R/R! Thanks! The third Chapter will either be here or later in the week because of my busy schedule! ~Kristie. 


	3. Families and Such

"Families and Such" By: Kristie  
  
A/N: again. just typing what comes to mind. you will see another A/N at the bottom, this chapter is written in Abby's POV again.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will.  
  
I think that I really hate families. Well, not all families, but just Carter's family. They can make any person's life a living hell I think. I do love John, but sometimes, he family is way too much to handle.  
  
It had been a couple of days since I told John that I was pregnant. My cravings were still getting the best of me; my latest favorite food was shrimp dipped in whipped cream and butterscotch sauce. I know, even more disgusting then sardines and chocolate chip cookie dough.  
  
His family was sponsoring a charity event as usual, which was more of a social event for the upper class I decided.  
  
"Abby, you have to come with me." He pleaded while I was restocking.  
  
"I'm not so sure your mother and father will be pleased to see me at another charity event." I said trying to figure out a way to get out of it.  
  
"I don't care what they think, I already know that Gamma loves you, and." he was cut off by Haleh.  
  
"Excuse me, Dr. Carter, ETA in 10 minutes." She said.  
  
"Thanks." He turned and took me by the waist. "Please?" he looked at me with those gigantic brown eyes that could make me do or say anything he wanted.  
  
"Fine." I said with a sigh. "You better get going, you need to go save lives now." I looked around to make sure no one was coming and gave him a kiss.  
  
"Embarrassed to kiss me now, are we?" he said teasingly.  
  
"No, just remember last time what happened when Weaver caught us?"  
  
  
  
So, here I am getting ready to go to this charity event. Carter will be here to pick me up any minute and we will be off to the museum. Unfourtunatly, it is formal dress attire, so I had to go out and by a dress. The last thing I needed was he mother commenting on how I wore the same dress twice.  
  
I decided on a long black dress with spaghetti straps that had two slits up the side. I curled my hair and even put on a little make-up. I grabbed my shawl when I heard a knock at the door. He always has perfect timing.  
  
I opened the door and I saw his facial expression that made me smile. "Speechless are we?" I ask.  
  
"You always make me speechless." There he goes again, saying all the right things. And people wonder why I love him so much.  
  
"Ahh, keep this up and you may get lucky tonight Dr. Carter." I say with another smile. Jesus, how does he do this? Making me smile more then once in five minutes. only he could.  
  
"Really Miss Lockhart, because I was under the impression that you might get lucky." He extended his arm to me when the phone rang.  
  
"Should I get it?" I ask him.  
  
"Lets see who it is first, let the answering machine get it." The phone rang about four times when the answering machine picked up.  
  
"ABBY!" I hear Susan yell. She's at the lava lounge with Deb again and she wants me to come in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. "Deb and I are at the lava lounge and you ditched us last time. so get a move on it over here when you get home. Oh, here's my margarita, I'll make sure to order you one and save it." I here Deb pick up the phone. "Yeah, she's wasted already, and it won't be long before I am too! So, we'll see you if you come, if not, you better have a very good excuse, two nights of missing the girls club is a big no!" I hear Susan giggling in the background and then the phone hangs up.  
  
I look at Carter who is laughing pretty hard. "I might have to go one night to this girls club just for the comedy in watching Susan and Deb drunk!"  
  
"That's the only reason I go, and to make sure that they actually get home."  
  
"So, are you ready to go?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah, I guess, your mother." but he cuts me off.  
  
"She won't say a word, I promise." He says. I know he's only trying to make me feel better, but some how I think that maybe it might just be different.  
  
  
  
As he exits the limo, courtesy of the Carters, he extends his hand and I take it. Of course all the reporters are there and start asking a million questions and taking pictures. This may be just as bad as Eleanor herself.  
  
"Mr. Carter, is it true that you're no longer the most eligible bachelor anymore?"  
  
"Mr. Carter, would you like to comment on you fairy tale relationship?"  
  
"Mr. Carter, can you give us any idea as to how far along you are in this relationship?"  
  
Through all the questions though, he just keep his mouth shut and held on to my hand, leading me into the museum. When we finally made it in, he gave out a sigh of relief. "Welcome to the wonders of being a Carter." He said dryly.  
  
"Your life can't be that bad, you have me!" I said with a smile. "Did you tell Gamma about the umm.?" I asked.  
  
"No, I wasn't ready for her to make a huge announcement or big deal out of it tonight."  
  
As we walked into the ballroom, there must have been two hundred people already there. Somehow, out of all the people, he's mother managed to spot within seconds of walking into the room. I was wrong, Eleanor is most definitely worse then the reporters.  
  
"John dear, you haven't stopped by the house since we got here. Wherever have you been?" she said eyeing me.  
  
I quietly stood there while he dealt with her, I didn't want to say anything I was going to regret.  
  
"Well, I'm basically living at Abby's, except when Gamma needs me for any sort. Is there any reason why I needed to stop by?"  
  
"I just assumed that your relationship wasn't that serious with Abigail." She looked me straight in the eye. "Is this serious in your eyes."  
  
I knew what she wanted me to say, she wanted me to make a fool of myself. She wanted me to fight back, give her the wonderful pleasure of torturing me. So all I left her with was, "Of course." I smiled sweetly and walked over to Gamma who was calling my name.  
  
So I will end it there for now. I will post another chapter either today or later in the week. The only way I am posting the fourth chapter today though is if I get at least 4 reviews back! So. start typing! ;) ~Kristie 


	4. The Perfect Man

"The Perfect Man" By: Kristie  
  
A/N: thanks so much for the reviews! I love getting them! I've decided that this series will probably all be written in Abby's POV. umm. I guess that's about it. oh, this takes place where it left off.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will =(  
  
  
  
As I walked over to Millicent and almost felt John's eyes following me. I wasn't quite sure what he was going to say to his mother, but I didn't want to be there for her to involve me. Millicent greeted me with a hug.  
  
"Abby, I want you to me some of the sponsors of the event." She said to me. "This is my beloved grandson's girlfriend." Millicent stated proudly. She began to introduce me to all of these people whose names I would never remember.  
  
Every so often I caught a glance over at John. I saw him walk off. I knew he was angry and upset, but I also knew that he would never show it in public. I saw him walk off into the hallway. I didn't know what to do, I wanted so much to be there for him, to hold him, tell him that it's not him she's angry with, it's me.  
  
"Abby, go follow him." Millicent said softly. She knew my mind was elsewhere. She gave me a reassuring smile and a pat on the hand. I walked in to the hallway and say him sitting on one of the benches looking already exhausted.  
  
I sat down next to him. "Why do you let her get to you?" I asked softly.  
  
"Because of the way that she treats you." He said. Oh my god, this man, how in the world does he manage to make my heart flutter and head go dizzy even when he is feeling low and terrible? He takes my fingers and entwines them in his own.  
  
'How can I make him feel better?' I ask myself. "Well, I found a name for a girl a few days ago." I said.  
  
Immediately his face brightened up. I found out how to get this effect in a couple different ways, ah hem, but the easiest and simplest way is to mention the baby. Not that I don't enjoy the other ways of making his face light up.  
  
"Really? What name did you fall in love with and have been waiting for the exact right moment to tell me?" Again, how does he do it? He can read me inside and out.  
  
I smile, "Emily." I say simply, "Do you like it?"  
  
"I love it." he stands up and extends out his hand, "Want to go back in?"  
  
I give him my hand and he drags me up. I wrap my arms loosely around his neck. "Only if you're ready."  
  
He gives me a sweet, gentle kiss, "I'm ready."  
  
  
  
Millicent catches us quickly as we walk in. How does his family do that? She waves us down. "John, you remember Mr. Dupont right?" she asks.  
  
He nods his head but I know that he's lying. "Well, his daughter, Amanda is working in the hospital."  
  
"Really? Where?" he asks. He's trying to be social, but I see that his mind is elsewhere. I catch his eye and give him a reassuring look.  
  
They continue to talk and Carter continues to hold on to my hand. I love that; he always manages to show his affection for me whenever we go out in public. I hear my cell phone ring and he gives me a questioning look.  
  
"Would you excuse for a minute?" I say politely to Millicent and Mr. Dupont. I tell John with my eyes I'll be in the hallway and he reads them.  
  
  
  
"Hello?" I ask.  
  
"Abby! Did you not get our message? Everyone's here tonight! Where are you and Carter?" I hear Deb's voice say on the other side of the line.  
  
"I'm a charity event with him tonight." I say. I don't want to say what I really think about it, because with my luck, someone will show up right behind me.  
  
"Well, we're going to be here all night. Stop at the Lava Lounge after this event thing, okay?"  
  
"I'll try. I have to go. wait, who's there?" I ask out of curiosity.  
  
"Oh lots of people, Me, Susan, Luka, Pratt, Gallant, and Harkins." I hear her tell everyone to say hi. "Hi Abby." A bunch of drunk voices scream into the phone.  
  
"Sounds like you're the only sober one." I comment.  
  
"Nope, It's really just Pratt and Susan that are drunk. Their quite a show."  
  
"I imagine. Well, have to go, I'll see you guys possibly tonight." I hang up the phone and turn around to find Eleanor.  
  
  
  
One of the many reasons I didn't say what was really on my mind about the charity event stood right in front of me. "Abigail dear, whatever are you doing out here?"  
  
That women's voice could make me kill it annoys me so much. 'Be polite Abby, be polite.' I tell myself. "I had a phone call, I was about to go back in to the charity."  
  
"Don't try to fool me, I'll find out if you're in here for my sons money." 'Please don't go on,' I plead to myself, 'you may push me to my limit. Stress is not good, no stress. hmm. I could really go for some shrimp with.' I think to myself, but I'm cut off when I hear her voice.  
  
"I swear to god, if you in any way do anything that will break this family up, I will make sure that you."  
  
"Break this 'family' up, mom, when were we ever a family?" I hear Carter's voice say in the distance. I have to admit, I'm a bit relieved. Hearing his voice always does that to me.  
  
"John, I'm talking to Abigail." She says sternly.  
  
"Mom, just stop trying to be the mother! Your about 20 years to late for that! It's not Abby's fault for anything that you screwed up!" I rarely saw this part of John, but when I did, I knew he was angry. No, he wasn't angry, he was absolutely furious. He quickly grabs my hand as he led me back into the ballroom.  
  
  
  
"I'm so sorry." He whispers into my ear. It sends the chills down my back and I shiver.  
  
"It's not your fault either. You didn't do anything." I whisper back to him. I then see him shiver. As horrible as this sounds, it almost gives me pleasure to see that I have that effect on him.  
  
"I'm ready to go. Are you?" he asks.  
  
"Most definitely. Lets go home and change, then we can go party at the Lava Lounge."  
  
He looked at his watch, "It's 10:00 and they're still out? They have shifts tomorrow probably at six."  
  
"Ahh, but you see, it's not only Deb and Susan there, Luka, Pratt, Gallant, and Harkins are there too." I say with a smile.  
  
"Then we most definitely shall go." He replies with a smile.  
  
As we walk out he stops abruptly and kisses me. It's perfect, just like him. He's the perfect man.  
  
Okay, that's all probably for tonight. but I actually have an idea about where this story is going. It only took four chapters. ;) Feedback it ALWAYS appreciated! ~Kristie 


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